a loneliness

Working and thinking are routes of lonely journeys.

In fact, being in human realm is fundamentally lonely from both a Buddhist and existential perspectives.

My spring break has been going well, and I enjoyed my alone time of cooking, reading, getting works done, etc.

I even chose to be away from my partner.

What I did not realize is, even if I stayed with my partner, I would have still been lonely.

All the activities that I involve myself in require a fair amount of individual work, that is, working alone.

Reading, digesting, writing, grading paper, reflecting, even the instrument I play only takes one person. (I’m trying to think of some instruments that require more than one person to play… running out of ideas…)

So yes, I think I’m generally quite lonely.

Being with loneliness is like the path that everyone has to go through while trying to play the intricate game involving gender, race, class, and other categorization.

It is close to the experience of attempting to reach enlightenment but not quite there yet.

That’s it. If I get to enlightenment, loneliness is no longer a concept that requires a name, a pointing to, a referral, it will simply be. It is only because I’m not quite there yet that I’m working around it with words, language, expression, etc. and not able to get to the being quite so readily.

Hence the being of loneliness creeps out on me on the moments when I least expected it to.

It is always a humbling experience, always a nice little icky reminder.

Oh, that’s right. Regardless of the fact that I have a loving partner and lots of friends and family who care about me genuinely, I still feel lonely.

I’m not quite there yet.